There is a reason I am a Boudoir Photographer…
…and I am excited to share a little bit of that with you. We’re getting vulnerable up in here girlies.
I felt like I was actively dying when I gained 15lbs. Not “oh my gosh I gained 15lbs I am gonna dieeee” - my body actually perceived weight fluctuation as death and wanted to shut down - let me explain.
Let me begin by saying, you should celebrate and love your body at every stage, because it sticks with you, sister. The thirsty loser boys in your DMS, and the girlies who were never nice to you, don’t. So although this world makes it feel like weight defines your worth - your confidence, your resilience, your heart, and your ability to nurture your mind and body the best you can does (amongst many other things). Some of you might have been a super hero and brought a baby into this world. That defines how strong you are. Not how fast you bounced back. Although I would never invalidate the feeling of wanting to feel like yourself again, more so about learning to embrace every era. Even if it feels like it’s backwards or it sucks. You owe it to yourself, I have learned…
Back in 2022, I was diagnosed with SIBO + leaky gut and was placed on different variations of diets. Low FODMAP, SIBO diet, etc. I felt so restricted, I was maybeee eating 600 calories a day at times. MAYBE. But a funny thing happened during those 6 months where I was eating very little (seriously not even 30g of protein a day) - everyone suddenly LOVED me. Or so it seemed. I lost about 70 pounds in those six months, and all of the sudden my DMs were full. Full of boys who would’ve never paid attention to me, full of girls wanting to know my secret, and just a thousand comments on how I was finally glowing. All at the same time, my business was seeing success take off as well. One time, I went to check out at a grocery store, and a woman had stopped me, and told me to go in front of her because of how beautiful I was. That would’ve never happened 70lbs ago…right?
I got addicted to watching the number on the scale go down. How could I not? Every comment, every DM, everything felt like a reward based on how thin I was. I would fast all morning, and use coffee as a diuretic. Loosing weight felt like acceptance, praise, and success as a whole. And honestly, I just felt good. But what I failed to acknowledge was the absolute MELTDOWN that would happen if I saw the scale fluctuate 1-3 pounds. I felt like everyone could notice, because now they’re looking. It is all they could talk about to me. I was absolutely paranoid 24/7.
Then, I healed my SIBO but was still experiencing symptoms. I started to gain 4 pounds back consistently. I was freaking the fuck out. So I went to therapy to try and regulate my nervous system to give my hormones a break. It ended up worsening my symptoms, because it gave me something to hyper fixate about and stress over. So now, it’s not just an extra four pounds. It’s an extra fifteen. An extra fifteen pounds? Thats noticeable. That’s enough to where my clothes don’t fit. I look different. I was so stressed my hair fell out. So now I’m 15 pounds heavier AND my precious hair is falling out of my head? I was about to plan my funeral. And can you blame me? To my body, weight gain meant I wasn’t going to be accepted anymore. It met I will be single forever. It met I will no longer have success in anything. It felt like everything I worked for the past 3 years crumbled in the palm of my hands. Loosing that weight was my entire identity because it was the first time I felt fully celebrated by the rest of the world, and even the people closest to me. It’s not dramatic when it’s your lived experience -our nervous system is trained by experiences.
My point is, I was so stressed about being 126.2lbs, I destroyed my own cortisol levels, and things got a lot worse because I was SOO hyper fixated on my appearance and weight, that other parts of my body were struggling to function because I kept myself so stressed about being perfect. The reality is, I am stronger than I have ever been. I fuel my body with Whole Foods and continue to stick to an anti inflammatory diet. I eat a lot of protein and properly nourish my body with food. I am consistently at Pilates and have a personal trainer. None of these things changed. I do my best to engage in grounding practices. I somehow have to learn to let go of being perfect. And more importantly, I have to love the body I am in right now in this present moment. Not for any outcome, but because I deserve to. AND. SO. DO. YOU.
All that to say, you are safe with me when you book your Boudoir shoot. I GET. IT. But I am here to help you step into yourself and celebrate freely - in every era. I hope I can play a small but impactful role on your journey to your highest self, even if it is just a 90 minute session. Hope to see you soon, babes!